A Cheap Guide to ________________: A Recipe By Ingredients

First, write down available items on a list titled "Ingredients At Hand".

Ingredients at hand

1 Last night’s dreams

1 full-functioning wi-fi connection

2 lemons

3 cups of flour

1 small onion (finely diced)

1 mixing bowl

2 febreze

3 pinch logic

1 Reality

8 oz random normative sentences to fill up space

3 oz recycled ideas from other works/conversations/movies/books

12 oz surreal/existential/hyperrealist images

3 scoops of anxiety

2 Holy Fathers

Wine (or alcohol in general)

1 clove minced Title

3 traumatizing moments buried in unconscious

1 lighter

11 dirty plates

NECESSARY INGREDIENTS

Salt/Pepper

1 Tomato sauce

1 handful of mushrooms

2 ungreased cookie sheets

1 working oven

 Make sure NOT to include

1)   Adverbs to the mix.

2)

3)

4)

5)

Second, replace blank spaces with the desired (more appropriate) ingredients. Engage in note-taking as you advance. Results will improve with time.

PREPARATIONS

Primer paso: Take Reality by its ends and wring it out. Make sure to be standing somewhere near a sink or bucket, as logic tends to leave stains. After reality has been sufficiently drained, hang it somewhere nearby. Wipe the residue off your hands. 

Segundo paso: take different hetero-, patriarchal-, religious-, logic-normative sentences in your hands and chop them up into little pieces. You don’t have a knife, so be ready for the upcoming carnage.

Tercer paso: Enjoy the carnage.  

Cuarto paso: Mix the dismembered words with tomato sauce and mushrooms. This way you can hide the stench emanating from the previous slaughter. Add salt and pepper (to taste).

Quinto paso: Wipe your hands with Reality. Cover mix and let it sit for about half an hour, or a day or two (it all depends on what you want the end result to be). You can use this time in whatever way you please. You can log in your different options here:

1)   Get drunk

2)   Procrastinate Research for whisking techniques online

3)   Buy stuff in the internet

4)   Regret having bought stuff on the internet

5)   Stand quietly (and creepily) in a corner until someone is scared shitless finds you.

6)   Panic

7)   Think about starting over and using a different approach.

8)   Call your mom for a simpler recipe.

9)   Write your mom’s simple recipe down.

10) Throw it in the garbage

11) Panic

12) Go dumpster diving for it the next day.

13) Finding it amongst all the other trash.

14) Throwing it back again.

15) Repeat numbers one and two.

16)                  

17)                  

18)                  

19)                  

20)                  

INSTRUCTIONS

Uno: After you’re done with preparations. Take the gooey, end-result of your mixing process, and smell it. Weight it in your hand. Stare at it for a while.

Depending on how long you’ve let it sit, you’ll notice differences in texture/smell/edibility. Try not worrying about the mess you’re holding in your hands, and continue on to the next step.

Dos: Preheat oven to 200 degrees (C). Look for Fahrenheit conversion tables on the internet. Mess them up out of confusion.

Tres: Roll out mass on floured surface. Once its sufficiently thin, cut in different amorphous shapes. Since you don’t have cookie cutters, put your whole mind into this task. Place the end results (one inch apart from each other) on ungreased cookie sheets.

Tres y medio: Wonder (once again) whether this will really work.

Cuatro: Place the sheets inside the oven and let them bake for a while.

Note: Length of time varies with person, day, time, location, height, amount of letters used, whether or not adverbs where really used, whisking method, mental disposition, and the amount of pets trying to hump your legs at the moment.

Cinco: Once you’re adequately, and abundantly (but really, doubtfully) ready, take the sheets out of the oven.

Cinco y Medio: Eat the whole thing. Somehow, the whole process has made you hungry.

Seis: Clean the mess with Reality and bring it to class the next day.  Make sure to use a complex/ambiguous title to hide the mediocre catch their attention.

Siete: Lie and talk about the process. Make them see how capable you are. Remember, this raggedly, unshapely, lovely scrap of deformed twist of reality was your intention all along.

Note: If all fails, forget about recipes. Use thE lighter and set Reality on fire from the start. Watch it spark and crumble as you wait for the “ooohhhss” and “aaahhhss”. Results might not be what you expect the first couple of times.